[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
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[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.