It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
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genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you