[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
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30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
oh you wanna fight?!
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.