How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
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“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…