I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
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FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.