Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
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It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what