If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
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me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
So inspired right now.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Rambo Rambow
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
hmm conte-me mais
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.