hmm conte-me mais
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I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?