ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
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I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink