The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
You Might Also Like
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!