@MarioInAZ

Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.

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@SteveKoehler22

My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.

@SteveDutzy

Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.

@WheelTod

It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.

For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.

@sixfootcandy

Kids: *misbehaving in public*

Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.

@bonehugsnirony

Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators

@AndrewChamings

make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”

@lazerdoov

The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.

@Darlainky

{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.

@murrman5

[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome