Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.

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My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.


Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.


It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.

For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.


Kids: *misbehaving in public*

Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.


Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators


make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”


The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.


{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.


[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome