Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
You Might Also Like
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger