Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
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If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.