When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
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– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
what’s the point then??
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out