Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
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*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
What
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.