[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
You Might Also Like
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.