[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
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ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
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My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll![]()
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
💀 😭
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Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.
However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.