Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
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Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
Mmmm. Shoeshi
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
🤣dope
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.