The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
You Might Also Like
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.