The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
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Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Get in loser we’re going crying
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented