[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
You Might Also Like
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
#JohnTravolta
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.