My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
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Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
This classic never gets old . . .
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
goldfish mafia
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.