Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
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Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
twitter is a journey
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.