I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
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Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
A completely valid reaction tbh
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.