Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Have you considered therapy?

Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career

Wife: *stabs me

My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.

You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think

“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?

A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .

wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?

My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉

[sitting around a bonfire]

Friend: This is so peaceful

My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”

“I just can’t help myself!”

—paramedic on his deathbed

My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions

I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke

If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.

ME: I’d like to return this

CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?

ME: I bought it here

CLERK: At Old Navy?

ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!

CLERK:

ME: Store credit, then?

For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why

I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.

Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.

Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭

WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*

STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it

Me:

One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master

Follow me for more recipes

I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.

Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)

A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.

I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”

[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]

Me: why did you abandon us?

Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.

*queen’s gambit*

dad: knight takes queen

daughter: *3D prints new queen*

Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.

When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.

I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)

Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.

spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.