Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
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anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit