Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
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[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store