Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
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I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.