Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
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The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
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My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking