My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
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My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
sigh
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Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
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I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
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I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?