My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
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(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.