I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.![]()
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“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
LOL!
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People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
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Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.