I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
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I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
…żyje?
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me