Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
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If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}