Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
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Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.