I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
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doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.