@YearOfRat

I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.

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@mizzTeeeCeee

The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.

@ninatreemonkey

Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:

Air slap bass

Air harmonica

Silent pig auctions

Balloons hitting people

The letter Q

@robfee

Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.

@kentgrossarth

‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’

Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’

‘Who?’

Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’

@kevinthedad

my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.

@BeerFarts101

How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?

@iAmDelFreaky

Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.

Or having an Asian baby.

@amburgklur

Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.

@amberfw

A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”