I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.

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The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.


Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:

Air slap bass

Air harmonica

Silent pig auctions

Balloons hitting people

The letter Q


Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.


‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’

Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’


Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’


my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him


I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.


How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?


Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.

Or having an Asian baby.


Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.


A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”