I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
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My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc