Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
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Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”![]()
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.