Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
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I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
what?
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business