Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
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Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
dictator is short for richard potato
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?