swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
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why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
the composer
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.