Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
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Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.