Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
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Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*