date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
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Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
sliding into dms like
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
*launders Kohls cash*
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas