Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
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My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s