If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
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“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
become ungovernable
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science