If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
You Might Also Like
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.