@Eden_Eats

If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.

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@BDGarp

If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.

@JohnBadpuns

Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.

@weinerdog4life

I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons

@Brampersandon_

ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a

@13spencer

Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.

@PhuckinCody

LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?

CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.

@Jake_Vig

Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.

@timdonakowski

Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.

@smerobin

Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.

Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ

@antheanton

Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!