If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.

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If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.


Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.


I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons


ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a


Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.


LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?

CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.


Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.


Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.


Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.

Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ


Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!