The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
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Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”