“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
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DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
@funTweeters
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.