Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
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A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk