Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
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Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
I’m not wrong
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”