Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
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Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
.. do you even science?
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
I’m not wrong
I’d hang this in my house.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.