Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.

Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*

[first day as a preschool teacher]

ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*

I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.

GROOT: I am Groot.

TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?

GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.

TEACHER: Yes, you may.

I came.

I saw.

I lost a banana.

Me: Forever young!

Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.

Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.

You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂

him: oh sorry I thought you worked here

me, in line at a haunted house: WOW

🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶

My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.

Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*

this bad boy can fit so many waves in it

I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.

I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.

I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.

I needed a laugh this morning.

STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?

“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”

A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.

I’m giving up ice.

ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember

FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.

I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.

Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?

Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier

Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.

Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*

I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.

Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*

Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*

I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift