Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
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Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Holy moly
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
water it, i dare you
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
i have one speed and it’s mosey
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.