Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
You Might Also Like
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed