Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
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My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Rt to bother an English speaker
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
not holding the door for the person right behind you and letting it slam onto them: objectively inconsiderate and so easy to avoid
holding the door for someone who’s like 30 feet away: a blatant act of terrorism
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Wise advice
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.