Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
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friend: make everything about her
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Please stop throwing my only possession.