I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
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I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream