You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
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A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.