[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
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My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Cat is stressing him out.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.