I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
You Might Also Like
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
(Gaming support cat.)
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you